It all started when our overrated adventurer, elrahimo, woke up in a imaginery desert. It was the tenth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally worried, elrahimo stroked a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Ever so extemperaneously, he realized that his beloved stinky feet was missing! Immediately he called his overtly elitist, rich friend, Konkey Donk. elrahimo had known Konkey Donk for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Konkey Donk was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... insensitive. elrahimo called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Konkey Donk picked up to a very glad elrahimo. Konkey Donk calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks belch before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually charismatically cringe *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting elrahimo. Why was Konkey Donk trying to distract elrahimo? Because he had snuck out from elrahimo's with the stinky feet only six days prior. It was a saucy little stinky feet... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before elrahimo got back to the subject at hand: his stinky feet. Konkey Donk grimaced. Relunctantly, Konkey Donk invited him over, assuring him they'd find the stinky feet. elrahimo grabbed his rhinocerus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Konkey Donk realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the stinky feet and he had to do it aptly. He figured that if elrahimo took the deliciously practical 4-door, he had take at least eleven minutes before elrahimo would get there. But if he took the toilet seat? Then Konkey Donk would be abnormally screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Konkey Donk was interrupted by seven oafish Zubats that were lured by his stinky feet. Konkey Donk turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling displeased, he aggressively reached for his carrot and aptly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the toilet seat rolling up. It was elrahimo.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, elrahimo was out of the toilet seat and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Konkey Donk's front door. Meanwhile inside, Konkey Donk was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the stinky feet into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind his rhinocerus. Konkey Donk was worried but at least the stinky feet was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Konkey Donk sassily purred. With a quick push, elrahimo opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish spite-toting jerk in a amphibious vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Konkey Donk assured him. elrahimo took a seat right next to where Konkey Donk had hidden the stinky feet. Konkey Donk yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But elrahimo was distracted. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, Konkey Donk noticed a abrasive look on elrahimo's face. elrahimo slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Konkey Donk felt a stabbing pain in his armpit when elrahimo asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the stinky feet right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A selfish look started to form on elrahimo's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. elrahimo nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Konkey Donk could react, elrahimo randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The stinky feet was plainly in view.
elrahimo stared at Konkey Donk for what what must've been seven seconds. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Konkey Donk groped flamboyantly in elrahimo's direction, clearly desperate. elrahimo grabbed the stinky feet and bolted for the door. It was locked. Konkey Donk let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, elrahimo,' he rebuked. Konkey Donk always had been a little dimwitted, so elrahimo knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Konkey Donk did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. A few unsatisfying minutes later, he gripped his stinky feet tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Konkey Donk looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from elrahimo. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for elrahimo. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Konkey Donk walked over to the window and looked down. elrahimo was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, elrahimo was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind Konkey Donk's place. elrahimo had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Zubats suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the stinky feet. One by one they latched on to elrahimo. Already weakened from his injury, elrahimo yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Zubats running off with his stinky feet.
About three hours later, elrahimo awoke, his armpit throbbing. It was dark and elrahimo did not know where he was. Deep in the uninhabited magical cornfield, elrahimo was alarmingly lost. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he remembered that his stinky feet was taken by the Zubats. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a huge Zubat emerged from the secret vineyard. It was the alpha Zubat. elrahimo opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Zubat sunk its teeth into elrahimo's scalp. With a faint groan, the life escaped from elrahimo's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than eight miles away, Konkey Donk was entombed by anguish over the loss of the stinky feet. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened ninja star. With a skillful thrust, he buried it deeply into his prostate. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about elrahimo... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the stinky feet that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Zubats, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
That was a work of literary genius